Through countless hours of research and #ELE I have finally managed to threaten enough people with my love for them to reveal the true identity, of the entity, known as; Cassandra.
Many of you have seen her evil ways; from poking fun at fagg- I mean, Amerisec, to posting evil ass, repetitive cat memes. Truly, there is no greater evil lurking throughout the Twitter realm.
It is with the hope of ending her great reign of meme terror, that I embarked upon a mission from God to find out the true identity of this culprit and BRING THEM TO JUSTICE!!! Or IHOP. Whichever is closer.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC AND EXTREMELY SEX- ER, DISTURBING.
HERE IS A REAL PHOTO OF WHAT CASSANDRA REALLY LOOKS LIKE!
Yeah. This is heavy. I know.
But, the plot thickens…….upon searching my memory, deep in the depths of my subconscious, I have managed to find the missing link that pieces this all together . This memory, is of an entity I have seen many times before; from my darkest nightmares, to the most campiest of Christmas television programming. Brace yourselves, this shit is about to get REAL.
My worst fear had come to life, as I realized that this devilish being had not only been in my Twitter timeline for several months, but also, my entire childhood television experience.
Upon further research, I managed to track this character down to the North Pole.
It wasn’t easy; I had to follow red glowing lights, resembling the very bowels of hell, frighteningly haunting in appearance, as if the energy from their radiation wanted to devour my very soul.
Then, out of nowhere, I saw it….
It was an evil far greater than anything this world has ever imagined…
It was far worse than One Direction and Justin Bieber combined! <—pretty fuckin’ bad, k?
A little further……
IT WAS THE DAVID FUCKING WRIGHT REINDEER!!!!
My worst fear had come true; I had encountered SATAN with a red nose.
This emo looking, antler wearing, ass-pirate started scratching the ground with its hooves, getting ready to charge at me like a deer outta hell.
The battle that ensued was pretty intense, but I lived to tell the tale. The evil deer of the devil attempted to show me numerous unfunny memes, until I almost stabbed my eyes out of my skull from pure boredom. Then, it continuously used the word LOL, as if it had a mixture of Down Syndrome coupled with Foot-In-Mouth disease. I managed to thwart these clever tactics and upload a jpeg of it with its current location and phone number to Twitter. It then immediately ran off into the wilderness and locked itself in a deep, dark hole, refusing to come out for many days. I took the chance while I had it; I escaped back to the mainland, back to the warmth and safety of my home, long before that evil, cult-leading son of a bitch could try to chase me down with a slice of pizza.
To this day, I still do not know what became of Cassdeer.
Some say, she can be seen in the re-tweets of a yellow, porous individual with an addiction to favoritism. Some say that she never existed at all….
If you see her, beware; do not make eye contact with her.
Do not stare at boobs. (lol, yer fucked)
Run far away to the nearest shelter you can find.
And remember…..never feed it candy.
That is all.